Sometimes I struggle to move. Sometimes it feels like everything is just harder than it needs to be. Making the right choice, the healthy choice, or even the next choice is just painful.
Some days, there just isn’t enough fight in me to get out of my own way.
It’s easy to write a blog when everything is working. Much easier to write a blog when I feel positive and upbeat. When I have time to meal plan, money to buy groceries, and energy to move.
It’s much easier to exult the program when you have lost weight, feel good about yourself, and are in a time and space where you can face anything.
Then there are days, weeks, months where it is hard to put anything to words. Where money is so tight that you when you go to the store, you buy the bare minimum, and realize that crap and filler food is dirt cheap. That they don’t have coupons for healthy food… ever.
There are those times when crying is the most exercise you can get, just trying to get showered and dressed for the day. When you come home so exhausted that you eat what is readily available (zero prep time) and go immediately to bed. When walking your dog consists of taking her to the front lawn so she can do her business.
Am I depressed, probably… but it is far more than that. I have multiple auto immune diseases, and most of the time they are under control… and then the weather changes. When I was on phase 1, the symptoms were less, but they were still there. Right now, I have a few other challenges as well. Because my body won some kind of genetic lottery.
I want to fight… and I do great for about 2 hours… then I wake up with bread in my belly. I try to be conscious of every bite… but I am not always aware that I am eating…
This morning, I found a spare box of chocolate drink mix, and I literally cried. My body is screaming for me to step up and take care of it. I just need to do it. Great, now I have the Nike ad running through my head.
Deep breath (yeah, that hurts) and my warm chocolate drink in hand. I can do this. I know how… my coaches are right there. I know they will help me…
I am sorry this isn’t the most upbeat post… but I know I am not the only one who struggles… If this helps you to know you are not alone, I am glad. Life isn’t always sunshine and roses… but the eternal optimist in me will never give up… even when this pessimistic version of me is loud and obnoxious.
I need to help myself. I can do this. One day, one meal, one breath at a time… Damn this is exhausting… But I know it’s worth the struggle.